Not even a child by Miles

Not even a child

by Miles

Time after time you asked if I was abandoned
We both know it what you would have done if you were sadened
with yes there was no exception no criminal sense
nothing you could have done to plead your defense
with me with you with my mother came
almost nothing you had two people that were different but the same
they were no children that you could shame
to you we were not children we were your dying claim
That you were a “man” not father
Why, why pops could you not bother
to just show me you’re my real brother
I know it WAS there somewhere, you implied my name
and said I want him to bear my initials
It was so selfish and so not you, I was in my refuge,
so many times was my presence sacrificial
then still I never gave in to being superficial
Why was it there was no official account
for the days that I was to later reminisce
I admit, I dream of this
there was nothing in between being me and being you
this could allude to me being as well with you
but you are the one who is gone
the one who did not come back that sorrowful dawn
there is no Light to brighten you and the road to your lawn
that you would tell me anything as long as it profited you
how could you, so wantonly, your family eschew
oh why did I have to die there was no cue
No cue but for the chosen few
one for the many among your incongruous phases
there is no way your twisted view has any basis
even in the world askew
so now I implore you
the day you wanted me to become a “man” was the day
the day that you said my type does not pay
I know you meant it was not worth the expense or effort
but the more you told me I became the fray
the more I thought of how you say that today was not the day
and when I tried to become your “man” that you so assert
you trapped me in every court before you left me in my way
you told me that one day I would wear the shirt
and the shirt I never came to see; you never wanted a man
you wanted yourself: an image, a copy
what you could have spun into definition
because you saw this in yourself
like the mirror with your reflection
we all see your distortion you’re just stagnant in your reserve
I know that is not what I deserve
and now I am still not the “man” you observe
I am glad I am not the interpretation of the values that are held
in the manliness of men are the things that bring me the most unnerve
this is not about a manly man or the american dad
it is about the father the one who begets
without regret with a recognized folly for the one
that they call son
When I made a failing grade in school
Got burned at the pool, or just made myself into a fool.
Maybe I was told to listen; I did not and regret
I did alot.
When I did not I was told the lie
that the mission was ignore and it was always okay
I had to sort and I was out of sort
No matter how cumbersome or how increcrible the folly
I could have blown down the fort
Now, I am on my way to an early amort
and ‘you say you sure are handsome’
I knew the “you” should have been changed to an “I”
I now do and I always will believe that I was not
becuause of this skew I am naught
I am a different inner view
I now know what I have come to be taught
not with your signs but with what I sought
I was beguiled and decieved
and I cannot now concieve what would be if you told me
what you really mean when you said “did you abandon we?”
and when you said this truth and all is done there will be no trace
not a face, or space with the worlds of us, none
not a you or me, not a we or us
there will be no truth, these will be your feet of clay
you didnt even know what you were doing this is not your disarray
but you did massacre us in your frailty
this was the avoidable mistake of your being
every ounce of you will be reeling
and I will not become your “man”
I was never taught
your view of the subject grows more askew
you left me, and all of us
a long time ago, and you left in a fuss
Fuss is all the muss a man can muss.
is that a “man” is that the “man?”
the one who abuses his wife in all the facits
and strives, snaffles, and implicates others
to try and baffle even the most wry of men
I have seen what a man is and I know what a man should be
I can not yet become him because I need to find me
you have lost me inside yourself
and when you abandoned me you abandoned yourself
you gave up to have a new La Dolce Vita
the one you failed to make with us, your goal all along
and once you realized you failed you tried to justify
and make guilt out of strong willed demands
like be a “Man” and get a job
only you could have taught be how to chose those paths
now you are on your own pile
the one I told you not to heap
I knew I always did that you would be gone
now I was right but what would that have drawn
Nothing could have redrawn us you had erased what was in stone
I am now in bad company and I am singly alone
bacause of your false praise making sure I didnt fail
even when I was down below
When I fail now it is a deafening blow
a shock like that of losing a show; “the show”
the show that we are on
our path,
way,
and our know
so when you did this all subconsciously
you did not know
but you left me
to become antinomian
and left you and me not as a “Man”
Nil
and not even a child.